"You don't have to do anything right now, just breathe." Alicja calmly told me across the computer screen. This was five weeks after my first sacred divine tea journey in over 5 years, and I was a complete mess. I had finally reached out to Alicja to say I was struggling post ceremony-and not just struggling-I felt like my entire life had fallen apart. In the few months since I had resumed going to ceremony, the "love of my life" had dumped me, I had been forcibly rotated from a job position I genuinely enjoyed for doing the ethical thing, and I had stumbled into the what appeared to be the worst depression of my life. I really did not know what to do. Oh and I was going to Mexico for a week with the option to sit in more ceremony. I remember staring back at her looking at Alicja like she was crazy. What did she mean just breathe and how could I sit still and trust that I didn't have to do anything? I had to do something-my life was falling apart. "It hurts to breathe." I cried back. And it literally did. Each breath seemed empty and pointless. I had been down this road of depression before, and it was entirely too painful to claw my way out of it. I just didn't have the energy. But Alicja patiently listened to me cry, and assured me that I wasn't going crazy, that breaking apart was necessary to create a life I wanted. She supported me through my Mexico trip with such genuine kindness that I felt safe and held. But more than just the coaching, she started teaching me how to integrate myself in community again. I had been an island for most of my life, and she threw me a lifeline, or ten lifelines to be more accurate.She picked up on things that brought me joy when I couldn't. She patiently called me out on my projections and helped me work through them. I returned back, and sat in ceremony every chance it was offered for the next two months. It was brutal. Accessed wounds that I had no intention of ever visiting. But what was intriguing was that I was growing increasingly comfortable with sitting still and breathing each time. After two back to back ceremonies, I wanted to sit still and do nothing for the first time in my life. Not only was it not uncomfortable, it was what I wanted to do. The feeling didn't stay though, and there I was a few weeks later, in a coaching session, having another breakdown. And after each ceremony, there I was, asking for guidance as to how to proceed, because I wasn't understanding how to integrate the lessons. Alicja, calmly and assuredly guided me through each step-helping me decipher the messages that came, until I returned to a point where I could start deciphering them for myself. Five months after several ceremonies and integration coaching sessions, here I am, comfortably sitting still and breathing. Learning the balance between non action and action. Trusting not only the universe enough, but myself enough to relinquish control...sometimes. Here I am, not worrying about proving my worth to those around me by working on everything I can like a chicken with her head cut off. I'm sitting still, even amidst chaos, and intentionally creating the opportunities I want in my life, without letting desperation guide me. It's not easy, but I have hope again. And I doubt I could have found that hope without the help of both the ceremonies and the integration coaching.
